The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley of the Eagles is a great breakup song from 1989. It has a soothing melody and meaningful lyrics. It’s also covered by India.Arie.

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
…People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn’t keep me warm

I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you inside

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

No one’s perfect, until you fall in love with them.

If you’ve ever had a friend who had a girlfriend or boyfriend that you just knew wasn’t right for them, you know how hard it is to actually tell them that. They don’t listen to you. They couldn’t see the truth if it knee-kicked them in supraorbital foramen. So you’ve learned to keep your mouth closed until the day they break up and then you can say, she was a bitch anyways.

Why does this happen? Why is it when you’re in a relationship you can’t see straight? And why is that when relationships end, you actually really really really don’t like the person anymore? And then you ask yourself, why did I even like that person in the first place?

One of the most famous research papers on this topic (Seeing Virtues in Faults: Negativity and the Transformation of Interpersonal Narratives in Close Relationships) says that’s because we have distorted realities. They’re not as great as you first think they are nor as bad as you later think.

Murray and Holmes (1993) found that people are essentially able to create their own versions or stories about their partners to reduce insecurity and increase positive beliefs:

“We propose that individuals protect these convictions by weaving cogent stories that depict potential faults or imperfections in their partners in the best possible light.”

Anatomy of a Relationship

Stage 1 – Can’t get enough
In early-stage romantic relationships, partners generally experience strong positive feelings because they focus almost completely on positive qualities (Holmes & Boon 1990). Here couples perceive each other as ideal. This is why it feels the beginning of relationships feel so good.

Isn’t this the best part of breaking up, finding someone you can’t get enough of?

Stage 2 – Sure we fight sometimes
Later on as partners become more interdependent on each other, they start dealing with each other in more and different domains. When this happens, there are greater opportunities for conflicts to arise. At first these conflicts are attributed to the situation.

This perception distortion happens when individuals restructure their stories in a way that downplay negative qualities. This process helps allow individuals to commit to their partners without fear and supports trust and feelings of love (Brehm 1988).

Some psychologists even say faults in the partners actually motivates them to do even more positive story-telling.

Stage 3 – That fasshole

If the relationship continues to develop where the faults are masked by positive story-telling and the troublesome issues are not dealt with, this can lead to catastrophe and a separation. The partners positive convictions may falter if negativity is frequent and exceeds their ability to change it into positive interpretations.

Once doubt begins to erode positive convictions, the same events previously supported by positive stories can be interpreted negatively. The same distortion that previous helped make the person seem amazing can now quickly make the person seem flawed.

It hurts to be dumped doesn’t it? It even sounds bad.

Want to know a secret? You actually have an unfair advantage. Being dumped actually makes it easier to dislike your partner. And when you dislike your partner, moving on and recovering from the relationship is that much easier because you don’t feel like you’re losing something that great and you can open yourself up to liking someone else. It’s like losing that old phone you didn’t want anyways. Now you’re free, and guilt-free to upgrade.

Sure, you still might think the other person is great or there’s something wrong with you. That’s very natural. But like all things in life, there are different ways to interpret something.

One way is thinking you’re not good enough for this person, someone who you used to think had good judgement. Since you admire and want to please this person, their opinion counts a lot. What if I told you that is very subjective?

Someone once told me, “no one is perfect, unless you fall in love with them.” It’s very sweet but if you think about it, you only believe the person is perfect right now because you’re in love with them.

The other way to interpret this is that you are a good person and the other person is not. I bet you can think of a few reasons why your ex isn’t perfect.

The another reason you might feel bad is because you felt like you lost. You know what’s funny? When one person is dumped and then works to get the other person back just to dump them. It’s pretty silly. Sometimes it hurts that much that this actually make sense. It doesn’t. In the end, you have to think – is it worth the effort? Wouldn’t you rather spend your time on something productive like using that motivation improve yourself and dating someone amazing? Isn’t that a better way to show them anyways?

Okay, but what if you want to clear the air? Maybe you made a mistake and if you got a second chance it could all work out? It could. Sometimes what we think makes us happy doesn’t really make us happy once we get it. Prospect theory says we value what is lost more than what is gained. Having $1 taken away from us hurts more than the joy of getting $1. So it’s very natural you feel bad and want to get what you loss back.

I know it’s hard to believe but you probably would not have lasted forever anyways. Statistically speaking of course.

So stop feeling heartbroken, hit the gym, talk with your friends (if you don’t have any subscribe to this site and you can talk to people here), and stop thinking your partner is so amazing. Everything happens for a reason. Time for you to level up.

Written by a girl from Australia.

When relationships — whether romantic or platonic — fall apart, we are left trying to navigate the pain, while picking up the messy pieces. However, before we can focus on the next chapter, we still may need to dwell on the whats, the whys and the hows of all that unfolded.

He wasn’t just this guy I went out with; he was also my best friend. We knew everything about each other, both good and bad. I told him things I would never tell a soul. But we were young, I was immature and I didn’t appreciate what I had before.

A few days ago, I was going through my files in my hard drive that I’ve had for years when I stumbled upon this folder that I named “BDLP19”. I instantly knew that this was going to be a blast from the past. Knowing that I was over our “thing”, I clicked and read through our emails and conversations that I have saved. Some of them were sweet and half of it was just plain painful. We were never really “official” but deep down I knew that we were exclusive. I met him online when I was 13 through a mutual friend.

We actually didn’t start off on the right foot due to a misunderstanding I had with him regarding his two best friends. But after a few hours of chatting, I can say we hit it off pretty great. So I guess, it all started from there. We would chat everyday and tell each other how our days went and found out something new about each other every day. It was all innocent. We would talk or text with each other pretty much the whole day, and I felt like he was part of my daily routine. Then I started to catch myself thinking about him way too often; what he was doing, how he was and if he was thinking about me. I started to miss him whenever we wouldn’t talk. So I can pretty much say that I’ve developed this huge crush on him.

Freshmen year in high school when I had my first boyfriend (who sadly wasn’t BDLP). He was a Senior. And at that time, it was a big deal because I had this huge crush on him too. (What, I was young?! :P)  I really didn’t think BDLP and I had the chance to be together since we haven’t even met and I was young and too vulnerable. I cared about our friendship too much that I was terrified to ruin it, but damn when I started dating this guy, our friendship sure as hell went south. He got mad at me and he felt that I cheated on him but I really didn’t get it ‘cause we weren’t even dating. I won’t put too much on this issue; it’s just too funny and immature. But the funny thing is, I really cared for my first boyfriend, but I couldn’t help but think how great it would be if he were BDLP. After 8 months of dating, we finally decided to go our separate ways and move on with our lives since he was going off to college and our relationship was just getting too complicated and dramatic.

After that relationship ended, BDLP and I started talking again. I apologized and we were okay again. It felt great to have him back in my life. We FINALLY decided to meet up. That day, I must say, I will never forget. As cliché as it may sound, but it was one of the best days of my life, I was the happiest girl in the planet. It was all so perfect, all so innocent and sweet. I couldn’t have it any other way. Shrek 3 will forever have a soft spot in my heart.

Just like any other love story, things couldn’t be this perfect for too long. We had a huge fight again.  I got so confused and vulnerable as always. I was so mad at him for assuming that I chose this other guy over him, but the truth was, I was taking a break from both of them because things were getting too much like the OC. It really is hard to explain everything that happened but I was so angry at him and his friends and started dating this other guy instead. One guy I know I hurt the most after we ended our relationship a week after he introduced me to his parents. What a total bitch, I know.

I couldn’t help but feel like a bitch whenever BDLP and I would talk for hours while this guy waited for me to call him. I couldn’t help feeling like the worst person on the planet when I would text with BDLP whenever him and I were together. I couldn’t help but feel bad knowing that this great guy didn’t deserve a very complicated girl like me. He didn’t deserve to be a rebound. He deserved someone better, someone who would treat him at least half as much as he treated me…like a princess. And I’m happy to say that today, at this very moment, he’s as happy as he can be with this girl who I know is perfect for him.

Things happen for a reason, you see. But right now, I still don’t know what the reason is behind why things didn’t work out between BDLP and I. It’s been 5 years, but it still hurts like he left for Australia 5 hours ago. I told him that I would wait for him just like he waited for me; waited for me to make up my mind and mature a little, I guess. But I guess, I made him wait too long. I’ll never forget the day when he told me that he just didn’t love me anymore. Plain and simple. It honestly still stings a little bit up to now. I just can’t help but think how things might be today if I wasn’t too complicated and immature. He was perfect! Perfect for me… He knew the exact thing to say to make me feel better again whenever I would have a shitty day. He listened, he shared, he cared, he was honest, he was genuine, one of a kind… and I just took advantage of his kindness and his love for me…

We went through a lot together and I’m serious when I say that one day simply isn’t enough to talk about our past. One very long post like this isn’t enough. It has been really hard to go out with other guys because I would always end up comparing them with him which is, SO WRONG. I really didn’t know what else to say to make me feel better…

So yeah, I finally sent him an email on Facebook; an email which took a lot of courage for me to send. It took me some time to send it but I figured, everyone’s moving on with their lives, why shouldn’t I? I just want to find closure; something I’ve wanted to have since I realized that I wouldn’t have him back again.

We were having a good conversation when I decided to go straight to the point. I told him that I missed him as a friend. I missed talking to him and that we’ve been through a lot and I can see we’ve both grown and moved on. I just hope we could be friends again. Nothing more, nothing less. I even apologized for being so weird and random, but I just really thought he should know. Then just like that, he didn’t reply anymore. Thanks a lot Facebook, for having that “read” feature. Haha!

But for what it’s worth, I’m really glad I was able to let it off my chest. It feels good to finally let him know how I feel.

I will forever regret and hate myself for letting him go, but I would hate myself more if I didn’t let him know I feel. I just hope that wherever he may be, whatever he may be doing, I hope for him to be happy, genuinely happy. I hope that he finds someone, someone who will love him for everything he is and everything he has to offer because a guy like him deserves it. He deserves to be treated with respect, love, loyalty, trust and everything else that comes along with loving someone so truly. Something that I’ve only realized now.

He will always be the love of my life, my first love, my siomai and my BDLP.

You’d think it’d be easy
Why does everyone make you out to be the bad one? You’re the rational one. You’re too young. You don’t feel the same about the person anymore. You are in love with someone else. You see no future.

Why is it so wrong to make a executive decision which will save everyone a lot of time and pain later on? You know you’re doing the right thing.

It’s funny you’d think if you were the person ending the relationship, you wouldn’t feel so bad but you do. That’s because people are social and emotional beings that are comprised of memories, associations, and attachments. It ties into our fundamental identity. Maybe that’s why choosing to leave someone is such a hard thing to do. In fact, some might even say it is “It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.”

If your ex did something wrong and you’ve determined they’re a bad person, they are easier to walk away from. However, even these breakups are hard is because not only have you grown attached to your partner but also you’ve invested a lot into it. Even worse is if you broke up amicably, meaning you still think the person is really good but just not suitable for you. Good things are not easy to walk away from.

Because of these reasons, “I’m going to hate you ’til I forget you” is a great strategy. In fact, this is what generally happens. That’s why remaining friends, especially right after a breakup can be devastating.

Most couples have a overly favourable opinion of their partners during the relationship and that same subjectively is reversed when they split. Although sad, this is actually a good thing for recovery.